Sunday, September 19, 2010

One of Those Weeks!

Sighhhhhhhhhh - it's been one of 'those' weeks - you know the one where you have wonderful plans and nothing goes the way you thought. Hence the lack of blog! So of course now, with it being that week I have masses of good material for my blog - right? Nope - wrong again. :P

I have now worked 5 and 3/4 of my 7 nights and probably in the whole week managed a total of 20 hours sleep - maybe 22 if you count the little dozes at the computer. I hate weeks like that! It means I achieve nothing and I am always tired! I tend to think more (deep thought thinking I mean) when I am tired and just lying in bed waiting, assuming that eventually I will actually fall asleep. I can hear some of my friends cringing (they are very noisy cringers it seems) - when I do lots of thinking it means I either get wildly enthusiastic and want to change the world or I get sad, and/or depressed and people suddenly remember appointments for the dentist or their accountant or other similar fun activites. Although today I am actually not either one!

So these thoughts .. I am really happy with how my life is changing. Of course not everything is perfect, especially not my house when I am working - 3 boys remember - but it is much more organised and so is most of my life. I am writing a little although I need to do more of that and I have set myself a goal to have the first draft of 'Journey' finished by the end of my holidays in January/February. I am working towards and hoping to start my Etsy shop this week, I am getting all those ducks lined up and life is good except for one major thing and that is my weight. I know, in my head, that I need to lose weight, and I am not just talking about a few pounds here. I have a lot of weight to lose! I know I can do it having done it before but every time I think 'this is the time', I saboutage myself. I even know in my head why I do. As I think I have said here before, it's fear.

I know where I am at the moment, I know what I can and can't do, I know how people react to me. I know my place in the world. I have, for a long time, used my weight as an excuse not to do things, but I am making a conscious effort to stop doing that and I am doing more of things I once would have avoided. The problem is that I am afraid to lose weight because it will change things. I know it will mostly be for the good, especially healthwise, and it will certainly be good for my boys, especially Lachie, if I am eating well because there is the flow on effect.

So why am I afraid? I think that it's because now if something goes wrong or someone doesn't like me or we don't connect or whatever, I can blame it on my weight (even if it is often done subconsciously). If I lose this weight, I no longer have that to blame. I am afraid of finding out that it wasn't my weight after all, that all this time it was me. That people don't like/love me because of my weight but because of the person I am. That I am not the person I think and hope I am, and if I am not, then what do I have left? I guess in a way, it's like another death. It's losing something that is part of my life and although I know I am a strong person, I am not sure I am up to going through yet another 'loss' so soon.

The problem is, having worked this out, I have no idea how to get past it. I guess I just need to keep working on those things I can happily change and when the time is right, the weight issue will solve itself but meanwhile I hate me as I am and it all just becomes one viscious circle and nothing is achieved. Lately I have looking more at people in the street and have been amazed at just how many big people there are and I don't want to be one of them. I want my boys to be proud of me not embarrassed. I want to feel comfortable in a crowd and not feel like the freak among 'normal' people.

I hesitated about posting this - I am not writing it for sympathy or for people to tell me of course we will still like/love you, I am writing it because if I don't acknowledge it, how can I change it? If I bury it inside me, nothing is going to change. I need to be accountable for who and what I am. How can I expect other people to love me if I don't love (or at least like) myself?

It's time I grew up and acknowldeged that everyone may not like the new me. I am sure there are many people who don't like the now-me, who think because of my size I am lazy or undisiplined or whatever (which I am not - at least not more than most people), but I am who I am. As I said here 'Today you are you ... that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is you-er than you'.  

So the plan for this week once I finish work, because I know when I am tired is not a good time to start, is to move more. I will wear my pedometer and record here the number of steps I take each day. I will go on the Wii Fit every day and record here if I do and I will drink at least 1 litre of water a day - instead of Diet Pepsi!

Wish me luck - I will need it!

Picture 'borrowed' from The Simply Luxurious Life - I love her blog - it is so inspirational. Check it out if you have a chance.

(I will still be posting a song of the day and it will be at the top of my blog but from today you will have a choice whether you want to listen. I cannot adjust the volume and it is too annoying as it was!

Monday, September 13, 2010

Universal Truths

I have spent the day at my in-laws - always mentally exhausting! Add to that, I had to drive as Ian was sick (more stress as the original thought was appendix - it isn't) and as I am a fairly new driver (as in 3 years) and don't often drive in Sydney  I am tired! Much too tired to be coherent (see last sentence as evidence!! lol) - so this seems like a good time to share this. I found myself nodding wisely as I read - especially number one! My boys have instructions to send all my portable hard-drives and USB's to my friend (thanks Gill :D) because there is stuff on them I don't want them reading - ever! ... and she has already seen it anyway! She can delete what is necessary and send it back. Thank god for friends!!

(and now you are all wondering what it is exactly I have on them aren't you? I am not telling and she is not able to be bribed - I know this because  ..... I know  her secrets as well! *angelic smile* )


1. I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

3. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

4. There is great need for a sarcasm font.

5. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

6.Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

7. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

8. Bad decisions make good stories.

9. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

10. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page document that I swear I did not make any changes to.

11. "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this - ever.

12. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damn it!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What did you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

13. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

14. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

15. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

16. Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the heck was going on when I first saw it.

17. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

18. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

19. How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

20. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

21. There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

22. Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

23. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet  everyone can find and push the snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time!

Song of the Day: Having a Bryan Adams-fest ... Straight From the Heart = Bryan Adams

Friday, September 10, 2010

Help Needed - all suggestions, thoughts, solutions gratefully appreciated!

Why do people (read kids here) have to be so mean?

A while ago we had a problem with Lachie being bullied by some new kids in our street. They compounded this by deciding it would be a good idea to throw eggs at our house. Sadly for them my oldest son Ian was home sick for the day and saw them throw something but didn't get out in time to actually catch them. As it was the middle of my working week and as I am aware that I am more emotional (read more likely to burst into tears instead of remaining calm) I decided to wait until I had finished working before doing anything about it.

Actually it worked well because it gave those 'charmers' time to worry - seeing the panicked look on their faces when I knocked on the door made the wait worthwhile! I talked to their father who stunned me by admiting he had seen his child take some eggs from the fridge and leave the house. What did he think he was going to do with them! He then tried to pass it off as 'kids will be kids'. Ah no .. that is bullying and vandalism and I promised to go to the police if it continued. He was full of apologies but the cynic in me has to wonder if that had anything to do with the large 6'4" male (Ian) standing behind me, who to his credit let me do the talking. He was only there as a witness ... okay ... maybe a little bit as intimidation - hey I am not above using what works! Did I mention the dad is about 5 foot nothing *angelic amile*

Anyway ... all was okay for quite a while but this week it has started again. Yesterday Lachie came home with a very obvious shoe print on his leg and apparently they have been shoving him into the fence and kicking him etc on the way home. They are not stupid these kids - the anti-bullying policy at school is very strict and very well enforced. I am quite sure Lachie is not just standing there totally innocent (as much as he assures me he is), but as these kids are younger and smaller, it makes it even more difficult. Lachie, like his big brother, is a gentle giant - only not many people realise it with Ian.

My problem is how to deal with it. He has to walk past their place every day to get home. I have to be seen to be doing something - not just ignoring the problem - for Lachie's sake, but if I go to the school, it will almost certainly get worse. I could go talk to the father again - I have never met the mother - or I could send Ian :D. Sadly Lachie's best friend (up until now) is apparently now joining in. I realise that 12 year old boys and the truth are not always best friends but there is definetely something going on!

This is the kind of time I miss John - he may not have had a solution, but we could talk about it parent to parent. The boys are great but they are brothers. It is different.

Meanwhile I have told Lachie to shove him away - hard. Lachie is a big kid - at 12 he is 5'7" tall and strong, but he says it makes it worse. For today I am walking up to school to meet him, but it is not an ideal solution, especially when I am working. Any and all suggestions, thoughts, solutions would be gratefully appreciated! Or am I over-reating? It has been known but as someone who was bullied as a child, I know the lasting effects it can have. All I need now is an answer ..... sigh ... when did life get so tough!

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Just have to Share ..

One of the girls I work with found this in a book - it is originally taken from a book called Home Economics written in 1963 by a woman for other young women ...
"When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance, your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have had to do for his train. But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers, wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking for the man last thing at night.
When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband, it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular you commitment to obey him. If he feels he needs to sleep immediately, then so be it. In all things be led by your husband's wishes; do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband suggest congress, then humbly agree all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's. When he reaches his moment of fulfilment, a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had. Should you husband suggest any of the more unusual practices, be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent.

It is likely your husband may then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night-time face and hair products. You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he wakes.

Words fail me!!!

Feeling of the Day: Does hysterical laughter count?

Wednesday, September 1, 2010


Grrrr ... mutter mutter ...whinge whinge ... no ... it is not helping ... I need to vent!! (sorry folks)

I work night duty - 10:30pm until 7am - if I am lucky although it is usually closer to 7:30 if not 8am before I actually get off. I then have to go home and organise Lachie for school because,  you know a '12 year-old-going-on-dead' child can not be thinking, let alone organising before the school bell rings. Then once he is safely at school, and yes .. still alive ... just :P, then I get to relax for a little while and wind down. I mean, how many of you finish work at say 5pm, go home and then jump into bed at 7pm and fall immediately asleep? Exactly! and it is the same for me.

So assuming I am asleep by 10am .. on a good day ... is it any wonder I get a little irritated when  people who know me, call me at 1pm and say really intelligent things like 'oh, were you asleep?' .. duh! ... or 'oh! I thought you would be awake by now!" Three hours sleep (on a good day) .... come on people ... let's  be realistic! And it's not like people don't know I work nights, I have been doing it 21 years next month. Oh my!! how depressing is that lol. I am seriously considering calling them about 2 or 3 am and saying ... 'Oh were you asleep?'

Now onto part 2! Why do banks/financial organisations etc change automatic payments. Like most people I have mine set up so they come out after my payday! It seems logical! So, one of my payments had the date changed - to 2 days before my pay went in when my bank account is virtually zero, so of course it attracted a dishonour fee. I called them to complain, as you do, and considering the lack of sleep, I was amazingly polite.

Me: Can you explain why my automatic payment was taken out of my account on the 27th when it is not due to come out until the 30th?

Woman on the 'Help'line: Oh, we changed that to make it more convienient.

Me: For who? (or should that be whom)

WOTHL: It fits in better with our schedule

Me: WTF! (and I never swear - no special reason - I just don't) Well, it doesn't fit in with mine!

WOTHL: You just need to make sure there is money in the account on the new date.

Me: (quietly seething) .. and where would this money be coming from ... shocked silence from the other end of the phone ... I am a single parent living off one wage, there is no other money.

WOTHL: Perhaps you could ask for more help from your ex.

Stunned silence while I absorbed her totally tactless stupid reply.

Me: (rather forcefully) I am a widow! I live on one wage, there is no other income and I want the date changed back to the old one!

WOTHL: Come on... (I kid you not!) surely you must have the money, I mean you have less expenses now you have one less in the house (I am glad to see they teach compassion in their training)

Me: (with all semblence of trying to be tactful gone)  Excuse me!! I still have a mortgage to pay, water, electricity, rates, food, run a car, etc etc etc and now I am doing it on one wage. I would like to speak to your supervisor please!

WOTHL: There is no need for that, I am sure we can work something out.

Me: The supervisor ... now!

My payments are now back to the original date and I have almost stopping seething. Almost! Some people just should not be allowed near a phone and the public!

Vent over (sorry) - I feel much better now!

Feeling of the Day: Irritated (as in very!)

Song of the Day:  (a tinge of sarcasm here but love the song)
Why Worry - Mark Knopfler

All mistakes are my own and will (perhaps) be corrected when I am sufficiently awake and my editor lets me know what is needed ;)