Steps 1, 2 & 3

Today I have been brave. I have posted the link to this on my Facebook profile. I didn't ever think I would write a blog but if I did my intention was to keep it private and use it like a diary. Then I thought about it some more and decided if I want to become a published writer - as opposed to a writer which is something I have been as long as I can remember - then I had better get used to other people reading what I write. So here is is - 'Thinkings of Me' is now officially available to be read. I hope I can think of something to say - most days if not every day. I can hear people who know me sniggering - will she find something to say!! When has that ever stopped her before. Good point I guess lol

I have decided that it is time to stop sitting back and hoping my book (or whatever) will just write itself. I have decided it is time for me to do something to show I am serious. So this is step two. Step one was when I applied to be a writer on Suite 101 and to my amazement, and I have to admit total delight, after them reading my application I was accepted. Feel free to have a look, and even better click on any ads that look even a little interesting because when you do, I get paid! Only a few cents but hey! it all helps ....

http://www.suite101.com/profile.cfm/smcgillivray

And the next step - I have enrolled in a seminar next week about writing and getting published. All I have to do now is actually write lol - well, write more ... and actually get something finished. But I will. My plan is to write every day. I am putting time aside like it is a job. This blog counts as writing and as well as I will be continuing on with my 'Journey' and trying my hand at more fiction. Practice makes perfect you know. Of course work does tend to interfere a bit but I will be doing my best.

Stay tuned - one day I will be able to say 'I am a published author!' How amazing will that be!!

No words

No words today  - just a few pictures and quotes ...

Today You are You

I love this quote - I don't know for sure but I think it comes from Dr Suess - it sounds Dr Suess-ish! I can just see the Cat in the Hat saying it very wisely and it is wise. Sometimes we fight against who we are, believe me I know, I have been doing it most of my life. But recently I have come to realise I actually like me. Of course not all of me- there are numerous things I would change. But the fundamental me .. yes ... I am okay.

I was very fortunate. I had a mother who I never doubted loved me and showed me this love every day. As a single mother she was determined that I would never feel that I was not wanted and in that she succeeded - as far as she was concerned anyway, sadly I never felt the same way about my father. She worked hard to support us and taught me by being a good role model as well as in words that the world does not owe me a living. I learned respect and self-respect, about doing a good days work for a fair wage, about doing unto others as you would have them do unto you and so many other values that were instilled into me without me even realising. 

There were many times when I hated who I was; when the kids at school teased me because I was fat, or because I 'didn't have a proper father' or when I couldn't do something in school and thought I was stupid or many of the other times when I just knew life would be so much better if I was just someone else. Especially in high school. I hated high school with a passion. I was not a popular kid, in fact I walked around the school with my head down hoping no one would actually look at me and the best day there was when I discovered the library was open at lunch time and I could hide away in there. 

But I have come to realise, and yes, it took me far too many years to learn, that no one is perfect! We all have our fears and our failures, some are just better at hiding it than others or perhaps take it less personally and move onto what ever is next in their lives.

There is no one in the world exactly like you, not even an identical twin. Each of us has our own characteristics and thoughts and while they may be similar to others, no one views the world in exactly the same way. It is truly an amazing thing. All those millions of people in the world and you are unique. How incredible is that! And then suddenly you realise that maybe, just maybe, all that angst and 'trauma' you went through when you were younger was for a purpose. Maybe if you hadn't gone through those exact circumstances and situations, you would not be the person you are today and how sad would that be.

Before you start thinking that perhaps that would be a good thing ... stop and think where you are today. Do you have a family? Do you have friends? A job you enjoy? Plans? Hobbies? Even movies or books you like? If you were a different person, even a little bit you may have ended up in a different place and never met the love of your life, never had kids, never met your best friend, never gone to that amazing place for a holiday that you can't wait to go back to, and never read this blog!

Once small decision can change a life - your life - and on reflection maybe I am exactly where I was meant to be. For sure there are things I would change but if I were to change them, would I have the memories I have, would I have made the friends I have made all over the world, would my kids have grown to be the people they are, would I have grown to be the person I am?

No matter where we are in life, no matter what the world throws at us, good or bad, there is one thing that will always hold true ... Today you are you ... that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is you-er than you.  

It is my new intention - to celebrate me and the person I am, unique to anyone else -  hopefully we can all be grateful for our 'you-ness' and honour the person that is you.

A Changing World

I want to write today's blog - I even had something in mind but it can wait for another day because it no longer seems right. In fact it seems trivial and stupid and perhaps if I was feeling in the right frame of mind it would be different.


But today I am feeling sad. Not sad like the other day, just sad. Generally sad. Why? There are lots of reasons all kind of combined into one.


I have just finished my first night duty for this week and that makes me sad. Not that I am done - that's a good thing! But because it is different now. I used to love going to work, now not so much. Things are changing and not necessarily for the better. I think it is time I left and that makes me sad because that is just not possible. So I stay and watch things deteriorate and all the good staff leave and remember how it used to be.


Its funny - I used to hate it when my mother used to talk about how it was, the 'old days', but I am beginning to understand it now. Not just with work, but other things as well. But things do change and change is good, but sometimes the way the world changes is not. We make our kids grow up too fast and they miss out on being a child and while it would be nice to keep them more innocent, peer pressure makes this almost impossible.


The other night Lachie went to stay at his friend's place. He lives about 9 - 10 houses away from us and they stay over all the time - in fact his friend (also Lachlan) had stayed the night before. About 9:30pm I was upstairs and I thought I heard knocking but then decided I hadn't because there was no more but I went down anyway and they boys were trying to get in. Apparently my Lachie was homesick and wanted to come home (very unusual I have to say), but what annoyed me was that the parents had let these 12 year old boys walk alone at night along the street. Now I know it's not far and I know they have to grow up but it is also dark and I think basic safety would preclude this. Anyway - I went out and watched until Lachlan got home but it still struck me as wrong. No matter how things change surely we as parents should always put our child's safety and happiness first.


I do try though not to say 'In my time' or 'I remember' because there is nothing more boring! Instead I am writing my story so the boys cannot get away from it and one day I will give them a copy each so they know more about me and my life than I ever knew about my mother! I know they will be thrilled to death lol. They are very tolerant of my 'hobbies' but they have never read anything I have written and to honest I am not sure I want them to! They look at my scrap booking but only to check if they are in the photos and whinge. But I do know that secretly (very secretly I might add) they are proud of me!


There are other reasons I am sad as well - but this is not the place for those thoughts, although I do have to say that sometimes living in Australia has huge disadvantages, especially when most of my friends are overseas and so far away. The funny thing was after John died most of my relationships changed, which is to be expected I guess because I as a person certainly did, but what is sad is the number of friends I lost. I wish I was closer to my overseas friends, of course for me, but also so I could be a friend to them. To spend time with them, laugh with them when they are happy, celebrate the wonderful happenings, share experiences, but also be there when they are sad, hug them when they need a hug or just sit and be when they don't want to talk. That makes me sad when I know friends lives are not going how they would wish and I can't be there to be a friend.

Maybe I should move! I will add that to the list of 'Things to Do One Day' - an ever increasing list I might add! But meanwhile I will make do with msn and even microphones and webcams occasionally and enjoy the friends I have in what ever way is available and hope that one day we will be able to be in the same place at the same time and I can be the friend who is there when they are needed!

Am I Really a Gemini?

Having just finished 3 hours of ironing I was taking a break and being bored I started clicking on those links on Facebook. You know the ones .. What Do the Colour of Your Eyes Mean? ... apparently because mine are hazel I am  very lovable and I am REALLY hot and awesome to be around and lots of other stuff ... so true lol. Then there is the one What does Your Favourite Colour Say About You?  Blue has always been my favourite colour and so it apparently means that I am a peaceful but persuading person who likes to get what they want. Yeah yeah yeah!

But then I clicked on the one that tells me what I am  like because of when I was born. I have often wondered, I was born 3 weeks early because of my mother's medical history and so I was a planned caesarean. Do the stars take that into account because in that case I would have been a Taurus, and then everything would be different. 

Anyway .. assuming I really am a Gemini, let's see if their reasoning is accurate!

10) Talk, Talk, Talk!  Me? No - that can't possibly be right! Unless you count when I am writing then as anyone who knows me will testify I never write short! Why use a few words when many is SO much better! Okay - I can talk a little as well, but it takes me a while to get started, I am fairly shy, but once I get to know someone ....

9) Your Motto: You believe anything! True! I do tend to believe what people tell me and I have been hurt often because of it. It just never occurs to me that people would lie or fabricate things. I guess I am like an open book and so I expect everyone to be the same. I am trying and sadly am becoming less trusting. Despite believing though there is always in the back of my head, a little voice saying - why does he/she want to know you ... when is the clown going to jump out from behind the wall and shout ..'Gotcha!'

8) Nobody understands You! Again true, but then I don't understand myself so how can anyone else be expected to even try.

7) Great at multi-tasking! Duh! I am a woman! 'Nuf said ... and a mother. Do we even have a choice? Now if only I could work on the procrastinating it would all work out brilliantly!

6) Aren't confused by facts! I thought about this for a minute. It can be taken two ways. Meaning I am brilliant, quick witted, have an alert mind, or the exact opposite. Hmm .. I have a feeling I know which one applies but I am so not commenting!

5) Make a great friend! ... I have my own opinion of that and so I won't get yelled at I am not sharing it!

4) Love new stuff! Oh yeah!! I do! and I get bored so easily that I am always wanting to try new things and buy new stuff. A good example - I want a new slow cooker! I know - small things - but there is nothing wrong with my old one - even though it was a wedding present many years ago. But I cannot justify spending the money on it when I don't NEED it .. on the other hand, my birthday is coming up soon and if someone gave it to me .... I see a subtle hint in my family's future lol

3) You are really funny! Well I think so.. *angelic smile*

2) Never sit still! I was about to say this is so not true - then I thought about it. I do sit, but rarely are my hands still. I am either on the computer, writing, cross stitching or something. I get bored at the movies because I find it hard to just sit!

1)You were born under the sign of the twins! well .. duh!

Looking back I guess maybe I am a Gemini. Perhaps it is when you were actually born and not when you were due! I am certainly two different people at different times. My emotions tend to be a tad erratic, my likes and dislikes can change day-by-day or even moment-by-moment. There are times I wonder who I am because I am never the same person two days in a row, Well rarely! Having said all that - look back at my comment yesterday about horoscopes. It still applies!

and then just as I was thinking my work was done, I spotted this! My Chinese Horoscope showing I am a Rooster ...

I am not commenting except to say hmmmm and I have no idea why I just wrote all this but I guess if nothing else I can say 'Day three is written'!

Ciao xx

The Power of Positive Thought

"An idea ran back and forward in his head like a blind man, knocking over the solid furniture. (Anonymous)"

I love that quote! I saw it on my Facebook feed and knew I had to bring it here. It describes my head perfectly! So many thoughts, so little order!

It used to worry me, I used to wonder if I was going mad. You know when you meditate and you allow your thoughts to quieten and then supposedly these amazing revelations come into your mind. I could never 'get' meditation and so I gave up trying. I even have a relaxation tape that you are supposed to listen to and take in what he is saying. Not me ... my thoughts are wandering about all over the place thinking great thoughts (I wish) and only coming back to listen occassionally.

I am sure it's not because I am a Gemini - I don't really believe in horoscopes ... unless it fits what I want to happen of course!


Last year I did a quiz thingy on FB and the result was interesting. Now I know many hundreds of others would have got the same result but it stuck a chord.

2010 will bring a happier, more positive you. This may be because of your new years resolution. If this is the case then you will stick to it and make life better not only for you but the people around you. Others will notice you changing and they will welcome this more positive side of you. Look for a complete change around April of 2010. This is the time when you will begin to take note of your life being xompletely different from last year at the same time.

I printed it out and put it on the wall right next to my computer and looked at it and read it often. I am a firm believer in the power of positive thought and affirmations. I just forget to do them!

So did it come true? It did .. I have changed. The power of positive thought worked, not hurt by it being the time in my life where I have worked through the grief and know that this is a time for me. I kept looking at it and thinking - 'yeah - it is happening' and when April arrived I was happy - it had come true! The funny thing is, once I got to April, I kind of got stuck! There was no little note reminding me I can and will change. Nothing telling me it is going to be a good year. And the even funnier thing is, it is only as I am writing this that it suddenly occured to me that maybe I should write another affirmation about where I want my life to go!

So where do I want my life to go? 

• I want to like me more as a person, emotionally, physically and intellectually.
• I want to  be healthier, eat better, exercise more.
• I want to become more financially aware and so worry less
• I want to feel secure in my work and to enjoy it more; I want the negative people I work with to finally decide this is not the place for them! 
• I want to write - to have 'One Woman's Journey' published

And then for my family ...

• I want my kids to be happy
• I want my kids to be healthier, to eat better and in the case of 2 exercise more. 
• I want Lachie to get through the early teens without me feeling the need to kill him!
• I want Lachie to go to the high school of my choice.

Nothing world shattering, just every day normal stuff and I am working towards each of them, but maybe, just maybe writing them down and looking at the every day may just help me to remember where I want to be. It might just help me not to buy something I really don't need, or not to eat that food because I am bored or to sit and write instead of wasting time not really doing anything.

I guess time will tell because I am off to write them out as poitive affirmations right now and print them with a pretty picture and then put them over the top of my old affirmation. 

The power of positive thought! Look out world - here comes the new me! (again).

A New Beginning

A blog! Why a blog? Well .. why not? I have considered it before - even gone as far as creating blogs, but that was before I decided I wanted to write seriously, so now, having decided that I need to practice and do it daily  my commitment is to try and write this every day ... no I WILL write this every day!

What will it be about? Pretty much anything ... it will depend on what I feel the need to share. It will, I guess, be a barometer of my moods and feelings. It will almost certainly be emotional at times because that is me, it will also be erratic (me again) and it will, occasionally, be full of drama ... because I am a "drama queen".

So ... where to start? I actually created this blog yesterday but it was not a good day to begin - I was a bit emotional and a lot sad. Today is not much better but I know that if I don't start it now - I will never will.

Today would have been my wedding anniversary. Sadly it is no longer a day to celebrate, but rather a day to commemorate and remember a man that I loved and that was sadly taken away well before his time. There are so many good memories but on a day like this, while I do remember them, a lot of what I feel, apart from sadness, is lonliness, anger and a fair bit of bitterness. Not at him, obviously John did not choose to die and leave us alone. But he is not here to share the things we should be sharing, the good and the bad, the fun and the tedious and yes, it makes me angry at times. I still have trouble seeing older couples in the street or hearing about things they are doing together - we had plans ... maybe none of them would have ever happened but they were our plans. He wanted to go to Canada, to travel up the west coast, go to Calgary, to Alaska and then over to Nova Scotia. Not long after he died I said it was one place I would never go! Funny how things change and it is now right near the top of my list - proving that people are more important than places! 

Mostly I have moved on, of course I still have 'down' days, of course I miss someone to share the memories with, more so since my mother passed away as well, and of course I miss having that person to discuss the kids (especially Lachie) and the house and the finances with, but most of all I miss the companionship, especially at night - even when he was watching TV with his eyes closed! And while it took pretty close to the 3 years I was told it would - I have moved on - in so many different ways.

Yesterday I took Lachie out to the High School I want him to go to. It is so perfect for him, and yes I know no school will ever be perfect, but I just know this is where he should go. I was determined not to cry, and I almost didn't, but it is another milestone and I knew John would have been so proud of Lachie, as I was, as he answered questions and made comments. My baby is growing up. As I was driving back I was thinking how much things have changed in the last 3 1/2 years. The fact that I was driving being a huge one. John would be proud (and totally shocked) to hear that I now have my driver's licence. He would be proud of his boys, all three of them. The older 2 have matured and grown up, of course there is a way to go, each of them in varying amounts, but they are lovely young men (and yes, I am a tad biased). I have to admit for a while when they were younger I did wonder if they would ever be such a thing. They are reasonably healthy, again something I wondered if it would ever happen when we were dealing with doctors and hospitals and counsellors. But they are strong boys, they have both worked so hard and they have got there. Someone recently told me I spoilt them, and yes I know I do and I need to let them grow more, but its hard. They had such a hard time when they were teenagers - in different ways - that I don't want them to have to struggle again. But I know he was right (I didn't really say that out loud did I!) and I  am improving. Not always a popular decision but it is the right one. 

As for Lachie, he is 12, sometimes unlikely to make 13. Then again, I often thought that about the other 2, especially Ian. I can remember saying to Ian that I hoped he got a son just like him. The bonus is he got a brother and he still could get the child as well! Lachie will be fine, I know this. He has 2 great role models in his brothers, he is loved and he has the same basic goodness as the other 2. We will, I am sure, have our moments but we will survive and he too will grow up to be a credit to his Dad, and to me.

BUT and it is a huge but .... I have such lovely friends. Two in particular. Gill is always there when I need a friend and has been since John was sick. She just 'gets me' and that is such a wonderful thing. I don't always need to explain - she just knows. Then again, it often works the other way as well. So often I wish she lived closer but then I also wonder .. would we have got on so well if we had been next door. Maybe the distance plays an important part in our friendship dynamics. When we finally met it was like we had known each other for ever, so who knows. All I know is - it works and we shouldn't analyse it too much and just let it be.

Then there is Kyle. He makes me smile. (ooh look poetry). I could never understand how people could say they loved someone they had never met. Well these 2 are living examples that show it can happen. I have never met Kyle - one day I hope. But he is an important part of every day and it just doesn't feel right if I don't at the very least get a heart (on Facebook) - just so I know he is thinking of me. You know how sometimes you just click? Thats what happened for me. I liked him immediately and the friendship grew. Now if only he could age about 20 years and move over here - everything would be perfect.  Until then he will continue to be an important person in my world and I will keep on loving him!  He sent me this song this morning because he knew how I was feeling. I love this song and I have been playing it all morning. Thank you babe - I appreciate it and you so much! 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PaLfDnShEn0&feature=related

Well, I guess thats the first post ... nothing different ... same old, same old .. but it has got me writing and as always, having said it all, I feel better. Time for me to go rescue my house from the whirlwind that must have snuck in when I wasn't looking. 

How do I sign off I wonder ... something else to ponder ... until I decide I guess I will go with

xxx