I have now worked 5 and 3/4 of my 7 nights and probably in the whole week managed a total of 20 hours sleep - maybe 22 if you count the little dozes at the computer. I hate weeks like that! It means I achieve nothing and I am always tired! I tend to think more (deep thought thinking I mean) when I am tired and just lying in bed waiting, assuming that eventually I will actually fall asleep. I can hear some of my friends cringing (they are very noisy cringers it seems) - when I do lots of thinking it means I either get wildly enthusiastic and want to change the world or I get sad, and/or depressed and people suddenly remember appointments for the dentist or their accountant or other similar fun activites. Although today I am actually not either one!
So these thoughts .. I am really happy with how my life is changing. Of course not everything is perfect, especially not my house when I am working - 3 boys remember - but it is much more organised and so is most of my life. I am writing a little although I need to do more of that and I have set myself a goal to have the first draft of 'Journey' finished by the end of my holidays in January/February. I am working towards and hoping to start my Etsy shop this week, I am getting all those ducks lined up and life is good except for one major thing and that is my weight. I know, in my head, that I need to lose weight, and I am not just talking about a few pounds here. I have a lot of weight to lose! I know I can do it having done it before but every time I think 'this is the time', I saboutage myself. I even know in my head why I do. As I think I have said here before, it's fear.
I know where I am at the moment, I know what I can and can't do, I know how people react to me. I know my place in the world. I have, for a long time, used my weight as an excuse not to do things, but I am making a conscious effort to stop doing that and I am doing more of things I once would have avoided. The problem is that I am afraid to lose weight because it will change things. I know it will mostly be for the good, especially healthwise, and it will certainly be good for my boys, especially Lachie, if I am eating well because there is the flow on effect.
So why am I afraid? I think that it's because now if something goes wrong or someone doesn't like me or we don't connect or whatever, I can blame it on my weight (even if it is often done subconsciously). If I lose this weight, I no longer have that to blame. I am afraid of finding out that it wasn't my weight after all, that all this time it was me. That people don't like/love me because of my weight but because of the person I am. That I am not the person I think and hope I am, and if I am not, then what do I have left? I guess in a way, it's like another death. It's losing something that is part of my life and although I know I am a strong person, I am not sure I am up to going through yet another 'loss' so soon.
The problem is, having worked this out, I have no idea how to get past it. I guess I just need to keep working on those things I can happily change and when the time is right, the weight issue will solve itself but meanwhile I hate me as I am and it all just becomes one viscious circle and nothing is achieved. Lately I have looking more at people in the street and have been amazed at just how many big people there are and I don't want to be one of them. I want my boys to be proud of me not embarrassed. I want to feel comfortable in a crowd and not feel like the freak among 'normal' people.
I hesitated about posting this - I am not writing it for sympathy or for people to tell me of course we will still like/love you, I am writing it because if I don't acknowledge it, how can I change it? If I bury it inside me, nothing is going to change. I need to be accountable for who and what I am. How can I expect other people to love me if I don't love (or at least like) myself?
It's time I grew up and acknowldeged that everyone may not like the new me. I am sure there are many people who don't like the now-me, who think because of my size I am lazy or undisiplined or whatever (which I am not - at least not more than most people), but I am who I am. As I said here 'Today you are you ... that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is you-er than you'.
So the plan for this week once I finish work, because I know when I am tired is not a good time to start, is to move more. I will wear my pedometer and record here the number of steps I take each day. I will go on the Wii Fit every day and record here if I do and I will drink at least 1 litre of water a day - instead of Diet Pepsi!
Wish me luck - I will need it!
Picture 'borrowed' from The Simply Luxurious Life - I love her blog - it is so inspirational. Check it out if you have a chance.
Song of the Day: Song From a Secret Garden - Alexander Rybak
(I will still be posting a song of the day and it will be at the top of my blog but from today you will have a choice whether you want to listen. I cannot adjust the volume and it is too annoying as it was!