Sunday, September 19, 2010

One of Those Weeks!

Sighhhhhhhhhh - it's been one of 'those' weeks - you know the one where you have wonderful plans and nothing goes the way you thought. Hence the lack of blog! So of course now, with it being that week I have masses of good material for my blog - right? Nope - wrong again. :P

I have now worked 5 and 3/4 of my 7 nights and probably in the whole week managed a total of 20 hours sleep - maybe 22 if you count the little dozes at the computer. I hate weeks like that! It means I achieve nothing and I am always tired! I tend to think more (deep thought thinking I mean) when I am tired and just lying in bed waiting, assuming that eventually I will actually fall asleep. I can hear some of my friends cringing (they are very noisy cringers it seems) - when I do lots of thinking it means I either get wildly enthusiastic and want to change the world or I get sad, and/or depressed and people suddenly remember appointments for the dentist or their accountant or other similar fun activites. Although today I am actually not either one!

So these thoughts .. I am really happy with how my life is changing. Of course not everything is perfect, especially not my house when I am working - 3 boys remember - but it is much more organised and so is most of my life. I am writing a little although I need to do more of that and I have set myself a goal to have the first draft of 'Journey' finished by the end of my holidays in January/February. I am working towards and hoping to start my Etsy shop this week, I am getting all those ducks lined up and life is good except for one major thing and that is my weight. I know, in my head, that I need to lose weight, and I am not just talking about a few pounds here. I have a lot of weight to lose! I know I can do it having done it before but every time I think 'this is the time', I saboutage myself. I even know in my head why I do. As I think I have said here before, it's fear.

I know where I am at the moment, I know what I can and can't do, I know how people react to me. I know my place in the world. I have, for a long time, used my weight as an excuse not to do things, but I am making a conscious effort to stop doing that and I am doing more of things I once would have avoided. The problem is that I am afraid to lose weight because it will change things. I know it will mostly be for the good, especially healthwise, and it will certainly be good for my boys, especially Lachie, if I am eating well because there is the flow on effect.

So why am I afraid? I think that it's because now if something goes wrong or someone doesn't like me or we don't connect or whatever, I can blame it on my weight (even if it is often done subconsciously). If I lose this weight, I no longer have that to blame. I am afraid of finding out that it wasn't my weight after all, that all this time it was me. That people don't like/love me because of my weight but because of the person I am. That I am not the person I think and hope I am, and if I am not, then what do I have left? I guess in a way, it's like another death. It's losing something that is part of my life and although I know I am a strong person, I am not sure I am up to going through yet another 'loss' so soon.

The problem is, having worked this out, I have no idea how to get past it. I guess I just need to keep working on those things I can happily change and when the time is right, the weight issue will solve itself but meanwhile I hate me as I am and it all just becomes one viscious circle and nothing is achieved. Lately I have looking more at people in the street and have been amazed at just how many big people there are and I don't want to be one of them. I want my boys to be proud of me not embarrassed. I want to feel comfortable in a crowd and not feel like the freak among 'normal' people.

I hesitated about posting this - I am not writing it for sympathy or for people to tell me of course we will still like/love you, I am writing it because if I don't acknowledge it, how can I change it? If I bury it inside me, nothing is going to change. I need to be accountable for who and what I am. How can I expect other people to love me if I don't love (or at least like) myself?

It's time I grew up and acknowldeged that everyone may not like the new me. I am sure there are many people who don't like the now-me, who think because of my size I am lazy or undisiplined or whatever (which I am not - at least not more than most people), but I am who I am. As I said here 'Today you are you ... that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is you-er than you'.  

So the plan for this week once I finish work, because I know when I am tired is not a good time to start, is to move more. I will wear my pedometer and record here the number of steps I take each day. I will go on the Wii Fit every day and record here if I do and I will drink at least 1 litre of water a day - instead of Diet Pepsi!

Wish me luck - I will need it!

Picture 'borrowed' from The Simply Luxurious Life - I love her blog - it is so inspirational. Check it out if you have a chance.

(I will still be posting a song of the day and it will be at the top of my blog but from today you will have a choice whether you want to listen. I cannot adjust the volume and it is too annoying as it was!


Fran said...

Go for it!

Shirley said...

Thanks Fran :) xxx

Anonymous said...

I understand The Fear 100%, as you know and as usual when we have just had one of 'those talks', something pops up in my inbox or FB feed or whatever, pertinent to the subject in hand. I'll say no more but leave a link to this post ; I think you'll get it. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Good luck hun and may I say how proud I am for you sharing this post with us.

All change is a daunting experience but if we do not at least try then we will always wonder what if? and if only? etc.

I hate the constant tiredness thing. I get that and I havent even gone back to work yet!
Thinking of you, chin up KC xx - Always welcoming new followers, guests and comments xx

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing us informative posts.
You nicely summed up the issue. I would add that this doesn’t exactly concenplate often. xD Anyway, good post…