Friday, May 21, 2010

A New Beginning

A blog! Why a blog? Well .. why not? I have considered it before - even gone as far as creating blogs, but that was before I decided I wanted to write seriously, so now, having decided that I need to practice and do it daily  my commitment is to try and write this every day ... no I WILL write this every day!

What will it be about? Pretty much anything ... it will depend on what I feel the need to share. It will, I guess, be a barometer of my moods and feelings. It will almost certainly be emotional at times because that is me, it will also be erratic (me again) and it will, occasionally, be full of drama ... because I am a "drama queen".

So ... where to start? I actually created this blog yesterday but it was not a good day to begin - I was a bit emotional and a lot sad. Today is not much better but I know that if I don't start it now - I will never will.

Today would have been my wedding anniversary. Sadly it is no longer a day to celebrate, but rather a day to commemorate and remember a man that I loved and that was sadly taken away well before his time. There are so many good memories but on a day like this, while I do remember them, a lot of what I feel, apart from sadness, is lonliness, anger and a fair bit of bitterness. Not at him, obviously John did not choose to die and leave us alone. But he is not here to share the things we should be sharing, the good and the bad, the fun and the tedious and yes, it makes me angry at times. I still have trouble seeing older couples in the street or hearing about things they are doing together - we had plans ... maybe none of them would have ever happened but they were our plans. He wanted to go to Canada, to travel up the west coast, go to Calgary, to Alaska and then over to Nova Scotia. Not long after he died I said it was one place I would never go! Funny how things change and it is now right near the top of my list - proving that people are more important than places! 

Mostly I have moved on, of course I still have 'down' days, of course I miss someone to share the memories with, more so since my mother passed away as well, and of course I miss having that person to discuss the kids (especially Lachie) and the house and the finances with, but most of all I miss the companionship, especially at night - even when he was watching TV with his eyes closed! And while it took pretty close to the 3 years I was told it would - I have moved on - in so many different ways.

Yesterday I took Lachie out to the High School I want him to go to. It is so perfect for him, and yes I know no school will ever be perfect, but I just know this is where he should go. I was determined not to cry, and I almost didn't, but it is another milestone and I knew John would have been so proud of Lachie, as I was, as he answered questions and made comments. My baby is growing up. As I was driving back I was thinking how much things have changed in the last 3 1/2 years. The fact that I was driving being a huge one. John would be proud (and totally shocked) to hear that I now have my driver's licence. He would be proud of his boys, all three of them. The older 2 have matured and grown up, of course there is a way to go, each of them in varying amounts, but they are lovely young men (and yes, I am a tad biased). I have to admit for a while when they were younger I did wonder if they would ever be such a thing. They are reasonably healthy, again something I wondered if it would ever happen when we were dealing with doctors and hospitals and counsellors. But they are strong boys, they have both worked so hard and they have got there. Someone recently told me I spoilt them, and yes I know I do and I need to let them grow more, but its hard. They had such a hard time when they were teenagers - in different ways - that I don't want them to have to struggle again. But I know he was right (I didn't really say that out loud did I!) and I  am improving. Not always a popular decision but it is the right one. 

As for Lachie, he is 12, sometimes unlikely to make 13. Then again, I often thought that about the other 2, especially Ian. I can remember saying to Ian that I hoped he got a son just like him. The bonus is he got a brother and he still could get the child as well! Lachie will be fine, I know this. He has 2 great role models in his brothers, he is loved and he has the same basic goodness as the other 2. We will, I am sure, have our moments but we will survive and he too will grow up to be a credit to his Dad, and to me.

BUT and it is a huge but .... I have such lovely friends. Two in particular. Gill is always there when I need a friend and has been since John was sick. She just 'gets me' and that is such a wonderful thing. I don't always need to explain - she just knows. Then again, it often works the other way as well. So often I wish she lived closer but then I also wonder .. would we have got on so well if we had been next door. Maybe the distance plays an important part in our friendship dynamics. When we finally met it was like we had known each other for ever, so who knows. All I know is - it works and we shouldn't analyse it too much and just let it be.
Then there is Kyle. He makes me smile. (ooh look poetry). I could never understand how people could say they loved someone they had never met. Well these 2 are living examples that show it can happen. I have never met Kyle - one day I hope. But he is an important part of every day and it just doesn't feel right if I don't at the very least get a heart (on Facebook) - just so I know he is thinking of me. You know how sometimes you just click? Thats what happened for me. I liked him immediately and the friendship grew. Now if only he could age about 20 years and move over here - everything would be perfect.  Until then he will continue to be an important person in my world and I will keep on loving him!  He sent me this song this morning because he knew how I was feeling. I love this song and I have been playing it all morning. Thank you babe - I appreciate it and you so much! 

Well, I guess thats the first post ... nothing different ... same old, same old .. but it has got me writing and as always, having said it all, I feel better. Time for me to go rescue my house from the whirlwind that must have snuck in when I wasn't looking. 
How do I sign off I wonder ... something else to ponder ... until I decide I guess I will go with


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