I want to write today's blog - I even had something in mind but it can wait for another day because it no longer seems right. In fact it seems trivial and stupid and perhaps if I was feeling in the right frame of mind it would be different.
But today I am feeling sad. Not sad like the other day, just sad. Generally sad. Why? There are lots of reasons all kind of combined into one.
I have just finished my first night duty for this week and that makes me sad. Not that I am done - that's a good thing! But because it is different now. I used to love going to work, now not so much. Things are changing and not necessarily for the better. I think it is time I left and that makes me sad because that is just not possible. So I stay and watch things deteriorate and all the good staff leave and remember how it used to be.
Its funny - I used to hate it when my mother used to talk about how it was, the 'old days', but I am beginning to understand it now. Not just with work, but other things as well. But things do change and change is good, but sometimes the way the world changes is not. We make our kids grow up too fast and they miss out on being a child and while it would be nice to keep them more innocent, peer pressure makes this almost impossible.
The other night Lachie went to stay at his friend's place. He lives about 9 - 10 houses away from us and they stay over all the time - in fact his friend (also Lachlan) had stayed the night before. About 9:30pm I was upstairs and I thought I heard knocking but then decided I hadn't because there was no more but I went down anyway and they boys were trying to get in. Apparently my Lachie was homesick and wanted to come home (very unusual I have to say), but what annoyed me was that the parents had let these 12 year old boys walk alone at night along the street. Now I know it's not far and I know they have to grow up but it is also dark and I think basic safety would preclude this. Anyway - I went out and watched until Lachlan got home but it still struck me as wrong. No matter how things change surely we as parents should always put our child's safety and happiness first.
I do try though not to say 'In my time' or 'I remember' because there is nothing more boring! Instead I am writing my story so the boys cannot get away from it and one day I will give them a copy each so they know more about me and my life than I ever knew about my mother! I know they will be thrilled to death lol. They are very tolerant of my 'hobbies' but they have never read anything I have written and to honest I am not sure I want them to! They look at my scrap booking but only to check if they are in the photos and whinge. But I do know that secretly (very secretly I might add) they are proud of me!
There are other reasons I am sad as well - but this is not the place for those thoughts, although I do have to say that sometimes living in Australia has huge disadvantages, especially when most of my friends are overseas and so far away. The funny thing was after John died most of my relationships changed, which is to be expected I guess because I as a person certainly did, but what is sad is the number of friends I lost. I wish I was closer to my overseas friends, of course for me, but also so I could be a friend to them. To spend time with them, laugh with them when they are happy, celebrate the wonderful happenings, share experiences, but also be there when they are sad, hug them when they need a hug or just sit and be when they don't want to talk. That makes me sad when I know friends lives are not going how they would wish and I can't be there to be a friend.
Maybe I should move! I will add that to the list of 'Things to Do One Day' - an ever increasing list I might add! But meanwhile I will make do with msn and even microphones and webcams occasionally and enjoy the friends I have in what ever way is available and hope that one day we will be able to be in the same place at the same time and I can be the friend who is there when they are needed!