Isn't it funny how one thing can change a whole day?
Yesterday was one of those days. It started off well - I was not working - it had to be good! Then I heard some news and suddenly what had been a good day was a day filled with memories and sadness.
Someone I know has been waiting for an organ transplant. In the middle of the night they got a call. There was a donor organ available which was a match and they needed to get to the hospital immediately. They were given a surgery time and while I imagine there was alot of trepidation, there was also a lot of joy. This was giving him a chance of life again.
Then, not long before the scheduled time they were told the organ was going to someone else - a child. Don't get me wrong, everyone deserves a chance at life, and especially a child who hasn't even begun their life. What I don't understand is why tell them the transplant is ready to go if there was a possibilty that the organ would go to someone else. At least say, we have a 'possible donor organ' instead of getting their hopes up only to dash them within hours.
Like everyone I was so sad to hear what had happened, especially as I know to a degree what they are and have been going through, but I thought that was it and went on with my day.
But suddenly a few hours later it hit me. All those feelings of when John was first diagnosed with leukaemia came flooding back. The hope that came with each course of chemo, the devastation when we learnt that it was not successful, quickly followed by more hope and a feeling of relief when we heard his sister was an almost perfect match for a bone marrow transplant.
I try not to think too much about that week when he had the last lot of chemo and they basically killed off his immune system, of the way he felt and the pain he had from the ulcers in his mouth and down his throat. Of how alone he must have felt when I was unable to visit because of a simple cold! But yesterday I went through all that again in my mind. I couldn't get the picture of him in ICU out of it, of knowing that his body just couldn't cope with everything that was happening, the picture of watching my son say goodbye to his father, of having to walk away from the man I had spent more than half my life with and know that he was not coming back.
I feel so sad for my friend because the possibilty that she will be going through exactly the same thing has become more real, and there is nothing anyone can do about it. And the more I tried not to think about it the more I did and the more I cried.
But today is another day and although I am crying as I write this, I am much more positive. I have my list of things to do today and a renewed determination to change me and especially my health. The boys have lost one parent through no fault of their own, they don't deserve to do so again because of my stupidity!
So the first thing I am doing today is getting out the Wii Fit again. It is time. Time to take myself in hand and become the person I know I can be.
Feeling of the Day: Quietly determined!
Song of the Day: Airplanes (thanks Gill)