I cried myself to sleep last night. It’s been a long time since I have done that. Mostly I am okay now. I am in a place where I accept that this is my life and am moving forward. Do I miss still miss John? Every single day. But having said that the ‘missing’ is different to how it was even a year ago.
So what made me so sad that I cried like this? I looked in the mirror! No, I’m not vain … well, no more than the next person. But last night when I looked I saw a tired, old woman and I hated it! I hate getting older and yes, I know 50-something is not old and I also know it comes to all of us, but it is not so much the getting older that I hate, it’s the getting older alone. Of being lonely.
Don’t get me wrong … I love my kids and I have wonderful friends but at night especially, there is just me. The funny thing is John almost invariably watched TV with his eyes closed and often we were not even in the same room, but he was there, in the house, just a few steps away. Now he isn’t.
We had plans, and while most of it would probably never have happened, they were our plans. There was something to look forward too. Now when I look forward, I see more of this … I see me for next 20 plus years being alone, I see myself becoming my mother and the thought terrifies me!
Sometimes when I walk along the street and I see older couples holding hands, I want to go up to them and tell them to treasure the time, that it could be gone before they know it. And yes, I am jealous. I miss having the companionship, having someone with similar memories, with a history in common. Most of my life is now memories that I share with no one – especially now my mother has also gone. I can’t say ‘remember when’, because no-one does. It’s the little things … the things the kids did when they were young, the places we have been and even things like last night watching the All Blacks playing Australia (and whipping them btw), and talking about the games and the people who used to play.
The other thing I find really difficult is Lachie. With the older boys John was there, and while I probably made most of the decisions about the boys, he was there backing me, being my sounding board, grounding me when I got carried away. He was just there. Now I have to trust my own judgment … I could screw up this kid’s life and I am terrified of doing the wrong thing and making the wrong choices. Everyone keeps telling me the other boys are great (and they are :D) and that Lachie will be as well but I still worry, just as I did with the others, but this time I am making those life-changing decisions alone. Of course the boys are there and of course they have their say, especially Ian, but they are looking at it from a brother’s point of view and that is entirely different to a parent.
So … what will I do? Well, I am not going to get younger (damnit!), John is not going to come back, the decisions still have to be made, so I guess I will do what I always do … I will pick myself up, write it all down to stop it going around and around in my head and I will get on with my life. And I will try to stop thinking about the next 20 plus years that I will be spending alone.
On a more positive note … I finally have my internet back. It has been a long few weeks and now I am trying to catch up. My blog has fallen by the wayside a little but I am back … maybe not as well as I would like as I am back on night duty tomorrow night. I will, after the week of nights are done, be able to catch up on the blogs I am following and especially the people who have been kind enough to add me to their list.
But for now, I have jeans to buy. Lachie never wears long pants, winter or summer, but he needs jeans for a school concert. Oops, let me correct that ... he has to have jeans for the school concert and “no, black pants (which are cheaper) are not allowed, it has to be jeans”. The discussion is continuing … he forgets his teacher is a friend of mine who also had the other two boys in 6th grade. He will not be winning this one!
Feeling of the Day: slightly better than last night!
Song of the Day: (just because I can’t get it out of my head this morning) … Please Forgive Me - Bryan Adams